You really didn't expect things to "stay the same" did you???

It is so cliche to say what I am about to say: "everything changes." Examples? Stop reading for just a minute and think of examples from your own life. Some changes are hard to figure: I used to skip breakfast altogether, and then I went through the oatmeal phase; right now I'm on a big toasted bagel with peanut butter kick. I used to hate (almost like in an unhealthy way) stores like Aldi, now I'm a regular there. When Starbuck's first came out I religiously avoided it; it has grown on me. My family (in my growing up years) was devoted (seriously--actual DEVOTION) to Coke products, "Miracle Whip," and Heinz Ketchup. Now? As long as it's not "Diet Rite"--who cares?

Some changes are funny. I remember the process from hating to loving the mini-van. I am so much cooler than min-vans. But sometimes you have to get the whole family someplace without squishing, sweating and scowling. I love our mini-van. I make it look cooler.

One day my children will grow up and move out of the house (this is the subject line of this entire post--feel free to read that again). I am certain that it will not be "like a band-aid--one pull, right off!" It will be a series of gradual movements that lead toward adulthood, responsibility, embracing their own faith in Christ and maturity. There is no way they are getting where I know they are going unless they go through learning about Christ, this world, themselves and Who they can truly trust. And there's no way they'll get there without regular, purposeful, attended-to GROWTH (read "change").

My world is changing. I have gone from everything in my son's life to significant. From sun to moon. And it's right.

I'm not leaving--and neither is he. But everything is changing. I really didn't expect things to stay the same, did I? Somewhere deep inside, I just wasn't quite ready. He has registered for classes, gone to his athletic code meeting, and had his schedule dictated to him by someone other than me. He has a physical scheduled and will soon walk through the halls of a new school with 1,600 other students. He'll travel on the bus to Cross Country meets and be coached by, well, somebody else. And it's right.

There's a bigger change coming in 2 years (he'll get his driver's license). Much more changes then. Then I won't have morning and evening drives to rehearse the details of the day and remind him one last time that I love him, or that he should trust God's Word. He'll back out of the driveway one day, and never think of "freedom" the same. And it's right.

I am trying to expect change. If life will eventually become physical death, I will gradually morph to it, through aches and pains and with lots of memories of the way things used to be. I may start running less miles or more slowly. Then I'll take up biking only and eventually become a swimmer (that's not a good sign). Once swimming is your only activity it's just a matter of time (I guess it's just a matter of time anyways).

If all of my days are invested in doing what I believe is right before God, and trusting him with my very life, then I refuse to lament about gray hairs and swimming. Change is the constant--and it's right.

To my son, I will seek to live a life that shouts to you: "follow me as I follow Christ," so that you may do the same to this generation and the next--without fear, and without expecting that things will not change. One day very soon your son will turn 14 and you'll wonder if you can go back or stop time. You cannot.

I do not want to stop time. I only seek to invest my every moment in what matters while expecting that nothing remains the same. And I'm happy to live this way--with my heart in heaven where there is no time, no "goodbyes" and no pain.

Things change; and it's good.

Honor Your Father

Don't stop reading! Some people will read the title of this entry and elect to skip it. I hear them. Dads can be absent, angry, weak, abusive, authoritarian, critical or simply completely distant. And for some of my friends, Father's Day is only a reminder of what they wanted or hoped for or lost; it's also another day that makes us have to process the pain and sometimes scars of childhood.

Others are reminded of lost children (either physically or spiritually). How does one help another to process the pain of a lost child?

On this Father's Day I put forth to you the beauty and joy of honoring our fathers. I disclose to you that I have an amazing father. He loves God and has walked faithfully with him for 40+ years. The changes in his life have been evident as he has continually grown. I have seen him stand up for Scripture in difficult circumstances, I have seen him faithfully love my mom everyday of my life and I have seen him manage difficult circumstances within our family. I have a father who both deserves and his earned my respect and honor.

Likewise, my father-in-law is a man of God. He has given himself to the greater task: not building a kingdom in this world for a season, but building Christ in his wife and children. I have a father-in-law who both deserves and has earned my respect and honor.

But we do not honor our fathers because they deserve or have earned it. He honor our earthly fathers (in joy and in tears) out of obedience to the Lord. And it is that same obedience to the Lord that gives each of us who may become fathers the desire to be honorable in every decision.

To that end, I have paraphrased a portion of Scripture below which you will recognize. It is not a prayer to my earthly father, but a statement from my heart to him about my desire that he be honored.


Dear Dad,

I could never re-pay you for what you've done for me. So I offer you honor. I want your name to be made famous and in the category of "faithful father" around the world. In every area where you follow hard after Christ I am inspired and have been taught to do the same. As your son, I want to accomplish those purposes even more now that I am living life on my own as I did when we lived under the same roof.

Thanks for always supplying everything I needed on a day-to-day basis. Even more than bread, you supplied me an example of forgiving others when you were wronged. I choose to forgive others with that same kind of forgiveness as it reflects the forgiveness which Christ offers those who trust him. I will likewise follow your example in making good choices and avoiding evil.

While I cannot truly re-pay you, I do want to honor you in every way by allowing the story of God's grace in your life to continue in me. May I honor God as you have all the days of my life. While your days and my days in this world are numbered, truly we outlive the sum of our days only as we have devoted ourselves to loving and living God's Word.

Love,

Jon

This is a parent with a life

It's an art, not a science, this parenting gig. As we continually learn, it's not a+b+c=mature Christian children. Every kid is different. Every kid needs you to raise them differently from the other. Every kid has his own will. Every kids spiritual life is 100% up to God (Philippians 1:6), 100% up to them (Philippians 2:12), and we feel like it's 100% up to us (Proverbs 22:6).

Many years ago people started throwing out the taunt, "Get a life." This taunt was used to communicate with someone that the taunter didn't think that the person being taunted was using their time or energy on things that really mattered. "Get off my back" was replaced with "Get a life." The implication is, "Don't you have something better to do than try to manage my life? Go live your own life."

To some degree, I think this is a fair taunt. At some point it became all the rage to live your life through your kids' experiences. Parents used to live their lives and then show their children how to live by inviting them share life. "I'll show you how to farm" (or befriend a neighbor or make wise choices or how to deal with anger). Today, however, I believe that parents view there role as going to live with their students in their student's world.

Do you know people like this? Rather than expecting their kids to see what the adults are doing and come and be like other adults, we see parents who are trying to be like their children. The result is that since we go to every minute of all their games, we begin to start living their lives for them instead of with them. Rather than invite them to become maturing young men and women, our parents are risking irrelevance by entering and living in their student's worlds. It affects how we think, how we spend our time (this is HUGE!) and even what clothes we wear. I believe that our students appreciate our efforts to understand their worlds, but they need parents who truly have a life and are learning how to share it.

Let me emphasize that we do need to enter our student's world, but not for the purpose of LIVING there. We need to understand their hurts, dreams and social pressures. But we also need to set the pace for our students and show them that the adolescent, sports-based, performance-oriented and looks-driven world is most definitely NOT the world which will drive our mature and adult world. The purpose, then, is to enter their worlds to show them the way to "our" world. But if our life is empty, uncompelling, irrelevant, or lame, they will not want to come.

How do you develop a life which is both relevant to your student and (more importantly) obedient to your Lord? This is the task of every Christ-following parent. I have a few suggestions.

1. Understand and live for your place in God's kingdom. You are GIFTED to build God's Kingdom, so DO IT. (Do you know what your gift is? Are you using it? If you don't know, ask your student. I bet they'll give you some good ideas.)

2. Be content with God. Many parents struggle with anger and dissatisfaction with God because they expected Him to do something that He really hasn't done yet. This could be a myriad of things, but it always comes down to this: God didn't do what I wanted Him to do. When your students see that you are discontent with God, they will be discontent with God, too.

3. Constantly pursue your relationship with God. Did you ever go through seasons of distance from God? I have. It's pretty normal, and there are examples of that distance throughout Scripture. But we cannot live with the distance, becoming accustomed to it. When we do, our life is reduced to morality (rules without relationship). When we have morality ONLY, our students will see right through us. Hey, expect some seasons of distance, and coach your students through them. But don't learn to live with the distance.

4. Choose to remain faithful to the people God has called you. Yes, I mean the local church. Get involved. Live life with them. Make those people your closest friends. You know what's weird to me? People who change churches regularly. And people who do that often have students who learn that when things get tough in relationships, it's the other guy's fault. My advice? Find a local church, get involved and stay involved. People will hurt you, but that's okay. As you mature you learn to deal with it and you remember that you've inflicted your share of pain on others, too. Stay with it!

5. Invite your student to join you where you are by living a joyful, committed and attractive life in Christ. This is a summary of the above 4 ideas. Sure, you have to share your kid's life, too. But simply living their life closely with them is not the goal! We share our life closely with them so we can coach them to become like us as we follow hard after God.

I hope these simple ideas encourage your heart! Let us walk humbly together, my friends!

Training our daughters

I came across this article by Dennis Rainey recently, and thought enough of his writing to post some of it here. You can read his whole article here. This is the second and final part of an article that combines the idea that we must protect our sons from aggressive girls and similarly train our daughters to be biblically feminine. Again, enjoy!

Training your daughters

If you are raising a daughter, there are at least four things you should consider:

1) Equip your daughter with a biblical, healthy, God-centered perspective of her sexuality. She needs to understand how her clothes and her behavior affect boys. When girls are too flirty or too friendly with the opposite sex, they need to be told. If you witness this kind of behavior, rehearse it and relive it later on and talk about what it does to guys. Explain what is appropriate in terms of a friendly relationship between a young lady and a young man. This needs to be done without being rude, but we cannot let our daughters get away with being overly friendly or overly aggressive.

2) Moms, model what you teach to your daughters. You need to dress appropriately, the way you would want your teenage daughters to dress when they’ve matured. There is a mixed signal that is sent when a mom is telling her daughter to dress conservatively, but her own clothes call too much attention to her body.

3) Dads, actively love your daughters. Give your daughter words of affection, warm hugs, and gentle kisses that let her know that she’s sweet, you’re her daddy, and that no matter how big she gets and how mature she is, you’re never going to stop giving her those words and those hugs. No matter how threatening that may be as your daughter matures, you need to let her know that there’s a wholesome love through words and affection that occurs within a God-centered family.

4) Appropriately correct inappropriate behavior. Pray about how you should instruct her, help her, and correct her. Then begin to train her as to what is appropriate and what isn’t. This could be everything from how she looks at guys to the makeup she wears to the clothing she wears.

One of the most important things I did with our daughters was to go shopping with them. It was important for two reasons: It showed me how difficult it was for them to find appropriate clothing that is modest and fashionable; and secondly, it allowed me to give my approval or disapproval before the purchase was made.

Whether you’re a mom or dad, and whether you’re raising boys or girls, your children need your love and guidance as never before. They need to be loved when they don’t believe in themselves. They need to be clothed in wisdom that morally protects them like armor.

Teaching our boys to avoid aggressive girls

I have never posted other people's stuff on my blog before. In this case, I am making an exception. Our sons and daughters live in an era when sexual roles have deteriorated. In the (distant) past, young men were supposed to take the initiative in relationships, but now, not so much. In fact, girls have become the aggressor in relationships and, generlly speaking, our culture applauds them for being aggressive. I came across this article by Dennis Rainey recently, and thought enough of his writing to post some of it here. You can read his whole article here. Enjoy this excerpt:

What in the world is happening?

What is going on in the hearts of some young girls that causes them to be so assertive? I think there are several reasons for what we are seeing:

First, the culture is supporting it. Movies, television shows, commercials, magazines, books … they all glamorize sex and intimacy and the right of young women to go after whatever it is they think will make them happy.

Second, we have a whole generation of young men who are confused in their own sexual identity. Are they supposed to be sensitive or aggressive? Leaders or helpers? Many young men today are not being taught how to treat a young lady with nobility, dignity, and respect. Many are growing up without a father or male figure to provide guidance. As a result, some of these young men have no idea how they “should” expect to be treated by a “real” young lady.

Third, the breakdown of the family has resulted in a whole generation of daughters who have been abandoned. And in the absence of a healthy, emotional attachment to their fathers and mothers, they’re trying to fill their emotional gas tanks with the opposite sex.

Finally, there’s little or no preparation for adolescence occurring among parents of preteens or early teens. This may be the core problem. When you ask parents of preteens how many of them would like their children to have the same experience they had in adolescence, there aren’t many hands that go up. But those same parents often become increasingly detached as their children move into the adolescent years.

Teenagers need training to understand the culture, peer pressure, what’s happening in them with their hormones, and what’s happening with the opposite sex. That’s why we have resources like "Passport to Purity" and "So You're About to be a Teenager" to help parents ground their children in the Scripture that anchors their hearts to withstand the winds of culture and peer pressure.

Protecting Your Boys

There are six assumptions you need to make in training and educating your sons in how to handle aggressive girls:

Assumption #1: Young boys are clueless to a lot of what is going on around them. They need to be prepared for the reality of today’s world, and this preparation needs to start while they are still boys. This is why I’d suggest that mothers and fathers talk with their 11- or 12-year-old sons about how they relate to the opposite sex before they face the temptation. There’s a much greater probability of success if you can have these conversations before the hormones hit.

Assumption #2: Aggressive girls will likely come into your son’s life. The problem is that most parents won’t know it, because teenage boys don’t talk about anything. But it could be taking place in your son’s life and he’s just not letting you know, so you have to pursue him in the process.

Assumption #3: You, as a parent, need a proactive plan. That plan will involve fathers and sons, but …

Assumption #4: Moms, that plan needs to involve you. You know how girls think and you can help your son understand girls in ways that a father can’t.

Assumption #5: With a son, this instruction, teaching, and call to accountability doesn’t end with the adolescent years. It continues on into adulthood. (And in my opinion, it doesn’t stop after they get married.) Why? Because there are women who are still preying upon men who are married, and every man needs an older man in his life who is asking him “Remember those conversations we had, Son? You’re a married man now, but that does not exempt you from temptation. How are you doing with that?”

Assumption #6: Your son needs a call to manhood. Ultimately, the call to a young man is to step up and become a noble man, a moral man, a spiritual man, God’s man. You’re going to call your sons as they move through adolescence to step up to maturity and step up to real manhood. And to do that, they need a mother and a father repetitively teaching Scripture and encouraging them as they do take these steps toward maturity.

I think one of the finest illustrations of this is in Proverbs, chapters 5-7. In this passage, the writer was reflecting back on conversations he had with his son about aggressive women. And over and over he basically says, “Listen, my son. Hear my warnings. Embrace what I say, because it’s important.”

The writer concludes the whole passage by saying in 7:24-27, “Don’t fool around with her, Son. Don’t go near her. Because she runs a halfway house to hell, and she has your grave clothes and your coffin, Son. Heads up. This is dangerous stuff we’re talking about here” (my paraphrase).

One other Scripture your son should be familiar with, and commit to memory, is 2 Timothy 2:22:

Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

I WILL PRINT THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE ANOTHER TIME, ON "TRAINING OUR DAUGHTERS."

Enjoying one's children

It's true, my kids are young--the oldest is 13 and the youngest is 8. I am fully aware that the waters just ahead of me in this stream of parenting are tumultuous and fraught with potential trouble. The words I am about to write in no way minimize the task that lays ahead of me, nor do they suppose that I have really figured anything out. I am a regular, Christ-following dad who has this confession to make to you: I absolutely and utterly enjoy my children.

A couple years ago I would have thought this to be an understood and rather inconsequential thing to write about. Everyone enjoys their children, right? So why put this confession into print? But it seems that many do NOT enjoy their kids. We often love them, we're simply not certain that we always like them.

To be sure, our children can try us on many levels. They magnify all the things we dislike in ourselves, naturally re-produce all the thistles that we despise in ourselves, confront us with harsh (yet all-too-often accurate) comments regarding our own motives and selfishness, and they even sometimes disobey.

If we are to be true to our calling to raise children in the "fear and admonition of the LORD," we must deal with these things--not first in THEM, but primarily in ourselves. If I demand obedience and respect from my children (which I should), then I must demand it (more) from myself (and demand this obedience and love toward God, especially reflected in the way I treat my wife). If I don't I will not like my children. I will see only my failures and shortcomings in them, I will demand only obedience from them, and I will miss out on the beauty of the opportunity I have to give myself to them.

I recently heard a man describe the task of being a father this way (and I love it!): "To be an effective father you must get a life [which tells God's story] and then share it with your children." That's it. That is parenting. That is the task of discipleship, fathering, and enjoying your children all wrapped up in one succinct sentence. Your children are not a burden to be endured, they are the people whom you have been entrusted with to train and live life with. God has given fathers the glad task of having our hearts re-made by Him daily and then to learn to effectively share that heart with our wives and children.

In short, I hope your children (no matter their age) are not a drag to you. I hope, because of God's faithfulness, that they are a delight to you. I hope that they will always teach me to praise God because of His grace (where they walk with Him), and cast myself on His mercy (where they don't). Hey, "children are a heritage from the Lord!" Enjoy!

Dances and Proms--what's a dad to do?

Think back to your high school days. Remember those moments leading up to the dances? The planning, the anticipation, and the awkward moments when you actually danced. I don't know whether to try to forget, to completely ignore or simply to destroy any evidence of those days.

Truth is, I only attended a couple of dances in my high school days. Both were completely against my parents' wishes (one of them was even behind my parents' backs) and were ultimately negative experiences for me. The whole idea of a high school dance is now objectionable to me.

But when working with high school students and their parents for a "living," one must try to distance oneself from personal opinions in an effort to try to understand all the issues. I do try.

Please let it be known that I have come to the following opinions (and they are opinions!) over the course of many years and many conversations with students who attended these dances, and only a few conversations with parents. I have had several friends who are deejays, so some of the following info comes through them as well. Please note that there are very few differences between public school and Christian school dances. One Christian school I know won't hold school dances on their property, but will advertise (and thereby endorse) "parent chaperoned" dances on other people's property. Okay, here goes.

1. I have not talked to any Christ-following student who, after going to a dance, felt that Christ's name was honored as a result of the dance. Never. Not once. The atmosphere is difficult, the music is loud, the lyrics are perverse, the dress is often immodest, and the dancing, which used to be suggestive is now a bumping and grinding free-for-all that several students I have talked to call "sex with your clothes on." One young lady was mortified to learn that some of her friends compared how many boys they thought they brought to release while "dancing" with them.

2. The atmosphere of the dance is not realistic. Adult chaperones feel as if they ought to distance themselves from the students and give them "space." In so doing, what is provided is a peer-led conundrum of feeling our way as they go. Anything goes. Contrary to needing space, the goal of every responsible adult for their students should be to show the way to maturity, not to provide chaperone-less opportunities for all manner of inappropriate behavior.

3. Dancing in close proximity with multiple partners (even writing this makes me feel sick inside) breaks down certain barriers that should not be broken down. Personal space around daughters (and sons) is not something that one wants to encourage one’s student to give up. Not even for a couple of hours.

4. Some Christian students I have spoken to have argued that they want to reach the students at these dances, and that being there affords them the opportunity to show these people that "Christians can have a good time." To these students I often have this brilliant retort: "Huh?" First of all, the dance will yield no spiritual conversations. The music, the sensational moment and the drama makes dances feeding grounds for gossip and criticism, not speaking of Christ. And to the "Christians can have a good time" argument I say this: a Christian's DEFINITION of a good time is completely at odds with this scene. Our question is not "Can a Christian technically get away with going to a dance?" (or "How close to the line can I get before I actually sin?"), but "Why on earth would any Christ-follower define the above melee as 'a good time'?" (or "How far from sin can I flee?"). To put it another way, the definition of a good time will be different for the Christ-follower than for others. Christ following student, “What makes you happy??”

5. "But," (some PARENTS say!!!!!), "aren't we denying our students the fun that we had at dances if we do not allow them to go?" Or, "Isn't this a rite of passage?" To that I would like to respond three ways. First, what fun? As I said above the dances I have attended were not fun, and might be better characterized as humiliating, painful and regretful. Most parents I talk to remember their dances the same way that I do. Second, you may now (as a Christ-follower) be at a better place to make this kind of judgment than your parents were. And third, dances today are nothing like they were when you were young (face it, you and I are old now). For those of you that still think I am coming on way to strong, I have a challenge (I make this challenge with a smile on my face and light-heartedness in my tone; but in all sincerity): go chaperone your student's next dance. If you still think these arguments are weak (and they probably are), I strongly encourage you to go stand along the sidelines of your student's next dance. Listen to the lyrics. Watch the "dancing." Watch the guys and girls along the edges who are rejected. Smell the air (this is a reference to the alcohol you will smell). Please, walk in your student's steps.

In closing, please read here that this post is my own conviction. I do believe that a Christian parent can be convicted before God that their student is motivated to attend a school dance out of love for their classmates and a desire to impact them with Jesus. If you do allow your student to go, let that be your motivation. If this is your conviction, please attend that dance yourself! On the other hand, if you have simply given in on this subject, please gather the information for yourself. I believe you'll be glad you did!

For me? No way. Christians can have a good time. I'm all for that! But the dance? That's not fun; not even a little.

Helping your student understand friendship

"How can you say that homosexuality is wrong for everyone?" she asked, "He's my friend."

Have you had this conversation with your high school student? If you haven't, you probably will. Your student is at a place where truth has been supplanted as the most important thing; replaced with "love." But not just any love, the love that is felt between friends as complete and blind personal approval of all they do. In other words, a friend should always allow their friend to make any decision they want. "If my friend chooses to have sex with their current boy- or girlfriend, I approve . . . If my friend is experimenting with homosexuality, I approve . . .If my friend has to have an abortion, I support her decision." They are in the right because they are my friend--that's the bottom line.

There's no reasoning that cuts to the heart of this issue. After all, reasoning is just more of older people being caught up with being "right." Right?

If your student is a religious unbeliever he or she will even try to support their position with Scripture. "Don't judge them (isn't that what the Bible says?)" and "Forgive them." Christian virtues to be sure.

What's a parent to do with this issue?

First, you need to draw all of your strength and wisdom from Christ--His power and His example. If your student uses Scripture to make this case, do what Christ did--use Scripture and put it back into its appropriate context. Jesus challenged people's behavior ("judged") all the time. He challenged religious unbelievers (like Pharisees) most harshly, but he also challenged rich people and sinners. Students like to use the story of the woman caught in adultery as their grounds for approving of their friends' various vices. It's true that Jesus did not condemn that woman, but He also told her to "go and sin no more." Sin no more. It's true that he knew some prostitutes, but He called them to repentance and to follow Him.

Second, you need to help your student understand the impact of their approval. Share personal stories with your students of times when you gained boldness to sin because others approved of your wrong choices. Talk about the pain that you experienced because of those destructive choices. Any friend experimenting with something that would destroy them needs to be at least warned of the impending danger. Put your admonition in these terms. No friend can possibly stand by watching someone they care deeply about destroy themselves on purpose without warning them. If the friend continues in the destructive behavior you stay, you pray, you try to get them to change, you beg and plead with them to stop. But you NEVER tell them that their destructive behavior is morally "okay."

For example, I have recently spoken with a student who has a friend experimenting with homosexual behavior; I'll call him Jimmy (I call most of my fictitious people Jimmy). Jimmy says, "How can you say it's wrong." First and foremost, it's wrong because God says it's wrong (He made us, our world, and all the rules). He knows of the pain, brokenness and utter destruction that comes to the soul of the practicing homosexual. Paul tells us that no person who lives life in the pattern of sexual sin (heterosexual or homosexual) will inherit God's Kingdom (go to heaven) (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). So God warns that it will destroy their physical life now and their eternal life later. Second in this example, Jimmy, is the idea that you care about your friend. "I do," he says. If you care about your friend, then how can you stand by while they so permanently and severely destroy themselves? Even without Christ in the equation, that is what you are doing. If you value friendship, you can't stand by approvingly while they destroy themselves.

But we must stand by. I do love the way that student's loyalty to their friends causes them to stay with the friendship over a long time. It's a wonderful thing for a young person who can say to his (or her) friend, "What you are doing is going to completely destroy you. You are making one mistake after another. If you will change you will experience some peace and improvement of circumstances I will never accept your decisions as appropriate, legitimate or healthy. I am telling you this because I love you."

I hope you see the difference. What we value is to stay with the relationship while unswervingly holding to biblical values and teaching. That is love.

To be sure, no person not following Christ understands these truths.

What is friendship? It's not approving of destructive behavior while your "friend" flushes their life. It's challenging them that life is about something better than that. There are right and wrong choices that lead to good or bad consequences. Eventually, as your student perseveres, it is about introducing these friends to the One who can forgive sin.

Now that's a friend!

What did he say?

I remember distinctly as a kid having particular anxiety when it was time to listen to instructions from adults. It could be anything. In shop class, the instructor could talk 'till he was blue in the face (I usually made him red) about perpendicular cuts and the like, but I didn't get it verbally at all. I went to a youth group where we played made up (and fun) games that always had to be explained in depth. The guy would be explaining the rules and gist of the game, but he always lost me just after, "Okay, listen up." And worst of all? Football practice. A coach, taking a fun game that I had played all my life and reducing it to complete embarrassment while he described my job to me in front of the whole team, and then yelled at me when I didn't do it right (in front of the whole team). I really didn't get verbal instructions.

But then the action began. I watched the kid next to me begin to make his sheet-metal pin-wheel and all the instructions began to make sense. The teacher came over and showed me HOW to do what he said. I made a really cool pin-wheel. And those made-up games? After I played about 5 minutes of the actual game (usually asking questions of the kids around me--apparently not everyone was as dense as I), I got it. I even had fun.

I discovered that I am a VISUAL learner. (It's weird, then, that my Master's degree is in the very conceptual and non-visual field of theology.)

Oh, and God did this, too. First he said it (verbal instructions). Though He was clear, it was evident that most people didn't get it (exhibit A: Simon Peter). So (this was His plan from the beginning), He showed up Himself and "paced" with us ("the Word became flesh and dwelt among us"). He wasn't, of course, just an example, but while He accomplished the Father's will and accomplished all that He came to do, He is the perfect example (Pacer)!

Anyway, I have since learned that almost all of "this generation" are visual learners. They want to "get with" some "programs," but verbal commands and lectures make it border on the impossible. Some suggestions that I am learning to implement:

• When I instruct my kids, verbal instructions are less than half of the goal. After giving your children verbal instructions the next step is to DO the activity (take out ALL the garbage, clean your room, wash the dishes) WITH them. While you do the jobs alongside them, occasionally make suggestions and show them HOW to improve. I must patiently show them how. In his book, "Shaping the Spiritual Lives of Students," Rick Dunn calls this "pacing" and contrasts it with "telling" our students what to do. I like that! Words are not sufficient; they need my physical example.
• Anxiety in my child's heart about my expectations of them can cause shut-down. It's easier for them to say "I don't know" when asked about why they didn't accomplish a task than to say "I did not understand your instructions and felt anxiety in my heart about your expectations and therefore, didn't try." Often, when they aren't sure what to do, they'll ignore the instructions they heard and do whatever they think is best. This is dangerous. Ultimately, they would rather appear lazy than stupid.
  
• Every kid walks a different pace. I have one kid who needs almost constant pacing and another who does very well when I mostly tell him what to do. I have to be careful to not pace too much with the one who needs it most and neglect the "easy" kid. You know that all of parenting is a tight-rope. It's my goal to reward the verbal kid (easy one) with more pacing, and gradually heighten the expectations of the kid that needs pacing most.
  
• Accountability. Kids do very well when we say we're gonna check the work, show them what our expectations of their work is and then actually check their work. It's a three-fold approach that takes T-I-M-E. So tell them, show them and check them--consistently. Then start over again.
  
• How much is enough? This is the toughest for me, personally. First we must manage the parental relationship (Dad has one set of expectations, and Mom another--this can't be. We have to come to one set of expectations that is biblical and embraced by both Dad and Mom--this takes work and biblical leadership.) How high should my expectations be? I always revert to theology: how much does my heavenly Father expect of me? On the one hand, when I didn't perform (I am guilty of damnable sin), He did all the work completely for me (on the cross He said, "It is finished" in my place). On the other hand, whatever I find to do I am instructed to do "as to the Lord"--with all my strength. I guess what I am saying is that expectations must be firm and certain and managed with grace, not a hammer.

I close this post on expectations with the words God inspired through Paul: "Love covers a multitude of sins." Let this concept guide your relationship and expectations of your student. It is imperative that you and your student begins with love (a commitment to do what's best for the other).

I am amazed that God spoke a Word, revealing to us who He is. Then He went a step further: He showed us Himself "incarnate" (God "enfleshed"!). Now we mimic that pattern with our kids. Tell them, show them, check-up on them, repeat.

Stop me if you've heard this one

I am finishing up my day of study on the topic of communicating with "today's generation." That title seems so yesterday. Anyway, in studying for this I have sifted pages on topics from post-modernism to Christian worldview to intact, healthy family. I've considered new definitions for old words, a shift in an understanding of "objective truth" and my mind has been swimming through all these concepts. I am coming up for air to write down this simple entry before I make my end of the day phone calls and go home.

Will somebody PLEASE judge me?

Yes, you read that correctly. Please judge me. In a world of withholding judgment (skepticism), "who am I to judge" (fearful false humility) and "whatever works" (self-righteousness), I am asking someone to judge me. Take a look at my beliefs, my way of thinking, my claims to faith and then see if they line up with REALITY.

I guess you can hear in my tone here that I have lost my patience for this concept of "Don't judge me." I have been reading statistics over and over again about how many people view today's church as judgmental. That is a crock. We tend to be so grace-oriented that we expect little from people, and would call them to task over few (if any) misdeeds. One of the problems that we need to confront together in the church is our LACK of judmentalism.

One example in the news is the case in San Fransisco that has churches and their leaders all but mute while vile behavior takes place in their streets (Folsom Street Fair). In fact, speaker of the house (can you believe that?) Nancy Pelosi became speaker for the church (I thought there was some sort of "separation of church and state" she was interested in widening, yet as Speaker of the House she is speaking for the church) when she said that a twisted derangement of perverts arranged to mimic the famous "Last Supper" painting had no impact on the church. Pelosi's press secretary said it this way: "As a Catholic, the speaker is confident that Christianity has not been harmed." I would comment on this vehemently, but I use her words today only as an example of what we've become: "Don't judge anybody--it's the greatest virtue."

Here's my point: casting judgment on people's MOTIVES is wrong . . .

But casting judgment on people's ACTIONS is RIGHT. Judging people's behavior as "wrong" or "right"; "bad" or "good"; "evil" or "upright" is simply exercising GOOD JUDGMENT.

We are in for a swift and certain end of the Christian faith if Christ's followers stop calling evil, "evil," and good "good." That's not judgmental. It's only judgmental if I try to guess your motives for doing what you do.

If we won't teach your kids that one must exercise judgment, this world will teach them that any utterance that proceeds from their mouths that is based on an objective sense (from God himself) of right and wrong is sin. To these people, the only sin that exists is judgmentalism.

Parents, let us stop this business of "who am I to say." If you are following Christ and have devoted your life to Him then you carry His mission and are His representative in this world. You belong to Him.

Who are you to resist that call? Who am I to keep His words to myself? Who am I to call evil "good" when God has spoken?

Exercise good judmentalism. Change someone's life!

When a child should be given independence

Never.

That's the easiest answer, and most helpful. Sometime ago someone convinced us that the goal of parenting is independence, didn't they? They were wrong.

I know, we live in a world of independence. "I can do it myself," comes out of their mouths when they are 2. "We don't want help." So, again and again we hand over opportunities for independence. Children are more self-sufficient (read: ISOLATED) and more independent (read: UNSUPERVISED) than ever before. We give them their sleepovers (at their demand), drop them off a block before the mall or movie theatre, and try to get their best talent on display somewhere (the stage, the field, the newspaper) as soon as possible.

But the real world, the one we want to get them ready for has very little to do with individual performances (unless they live in Hollywood). The real world is a world of real and deepening interdependent relationships. These relationships challenge us (they even irritate us sometimes), spur us on, lift us up, and provide the friction we need for forward traction. One of the most significant aspects of the church is FAMILY, but we raise our kids to avoid this real world (and, therefore, to avoid the natural accountability that should be a part of "church").

And by the way, one of the reasons for the brevity of friendships (and marriages) in this world is a sea full of kids who have become so independent that they refuse to be interdependent throughout their entire lives.

And by the way again, I absolutely despise the concept in modern psychology of "co-dependent." I know what the term is trying to convey, and we can hang on too tightly to the wrong relationships, but I think this term is an abuse of the word, "dependent." When did the fact of dependence (we depend on air, someone choosing to become a garbage collector and gasoline to be available for our cars, for example) become evil?

So our goal is not independence, but maturity. Not just direction and decisiveness, but meekness. Not only certainty, but humility. And it's this maturity that gives them the ABILITY to embrace dependence (to really love people).

So (as you know), our kids will not learn what we TELL them, but what we MODEL. I am called to examine my own sense of interdependence, humility and meekness. Do I avoid relationships that challenge me? Do I resist leading in humility? Is my life characterized by a long series of brief (and ever-ending) friendships? Or am I in it for the long haul? Dependent.

There is no such thing as independence if we are committing ourselves to follow Jesus Christ. There is such a thing as maturity, and we should strive for it so our children can see what it "looks like" in real life.

us vs them

We insist that our children become one of them. Become a soccer player or a member of the band, or anything through which we feel our student is going to gain a sense of confidence and learn to get along with others. I've even heard this as a stated goal by some: "My child needs socialization."

They do need to learn how to relate to others, play hard for the team and hone their various skills. But socialization? Has our culture produced such a track record of success that we want our children defined by what their peers may produce in them? Not me.

And as they get older their "them-ness" grows. Sports, computers, and the worst "them" of all: dating. And our children's every pull from there on out has to do with their desire to be "them" self. Their hair, their parties, their random speak, their iPods, their computer time, their cell phones and their "freedom."

So we have a world of very talented, very gifted, unbelievably athletic "thems" out there, all disconnected from the usses and connected only with one another. Does anyone else see a problem here?

What's worse is our incessant insistence at creating these thems as early as possible. It used to be that there was only us (the nuclear family). Then (as I've referred to recently) came wars and universities and the like for young singles 18 and older that divided their understanding of who they were. But now we want to get our three year-olds in tee ball, bowling, ballet and water polo as early as we can. Build that self-esteem.

And then, when our kids are 16 ( or is that 7?), parents sit in a support group and ask each other when they lost the dreamy "us" that they always hoped their families would become. Each child does his own thing in his own way on his own time table. And somewhere along the way we killed us.

So here's the point to this little entry: embrace your family "us." Make (Parents have the right and responsibility to make their kids do things. Any refusal of this responsibility is simply saying that we would rather let the culture and their teammates and teachers force them into their mold rather than being responsible to force them into a mold that we believe is best. If you abdicate this role you are, by definition, a hypocrite.) your kids identify themselves as "us" as long as humanly possible. Cultivate family memorials, traditions and inside stories. Rehearse your history. Tell the stories. When your student gets too old for this, help the whole family continue to embrace their becoming (sometimes). Do everything in your power to limit non-essentials that add to a sense of "them"ness in your student.

You cannot make your child stay a child forever--and I know you don't want to. And building the above sense of "us" will eventually take most or all of your resources. We all eventually want to send our children out into the world to impact it for Christ, so I'm not saying "shelter," at least not in an unhealthy way. I'm saying to teach your child that their identity is appropriately (and in a sense permanently) linked to who they are as your kid. It will REALLY help them later when they are trying to identify themselves as God's kids, if they haven't done so already. Peculiarity? Sacrifice? Denying myself? Doing what's best for my little sister? Ya. That's right. It's all transferable to the concept of following Christ.

So USE the idea of "us vs them" to your advantage. Keep your kids an "us" and find every way you can to break down their idea of them-ness. Swim upstream.

New invention: I lost my head

The family is the building block of all sane and decent civilization. Because of decent relationships in families girls and young ladies are protected and boys and young men learn to work, learn to serve others and learn to respect those young ladies. It's a beautiful thing when it operates like this.

And we know that this is God's plan for the family. He said as much in Genesis 2 when he said (about a man who had no parents) that the only reason any man would "leave" his father and mother would be that he himself was establishing a new family--one in which he was responsible to take care of (protect) one woman--namely, his wife. So it seems obvious, doesn't it? People are designed of God to live in tight relationships with their families. They live under the headship of their parents until such time that they are ready to establish their own homes. They are accountable to parents until they are accountable as parents (or at least mates).

(Obviously many are called to singleness. It seems in that case that we remain accountable to our parents for a longer period of time, and/or we also rely more heavily on the local church for relational accountability in that case.)

In steps WWI and the last 9o years of US history. Not only have we accepted the idea that young men must sometimes be disconnected from their own heads (in war, etc.), but then we embraced that as a value and actually force them out of that accountability relationship. Now we tell them that when the government views them as a free agent (18 years old), we do too. So "Go," we tell them. And they do.

We used to think that handling our responsibilities with care and in accountable relationships brought great freedom and a deep sense of accomplishment. Now we think that if we give them enough personal freedom that they will eventually become responsible.

It was a bad enough mistake with our boys. But how any dad or mom can think about giving their girls the above kinds of headlessness is completely beyond me. Case in point: The College Years.

I tell all the students I know that the college years are an invented forest that is dark and deadly. We beg you to disconnect from your parents, connect with your peers (we call this healthy socialization) and then be taught by some of the most questionable academics on the face of the earth. And it's not just accepted anymore. We thrust this twisted "rite of passage" on almost every young adult, even our girls.

So here's my bullet list of thoughts on this topic:

• I value the home even OVER education. Sure you can sometimes do both (I have a Master's degree). But every chance I get I tell anyone who will listen that the greatest goal a young woman can have in her life is to become a wife and mother.

• If becoming a wife and mother is your goal, keep a close eye on your debt load. Why go $20-$70K in debt for "education" if your goal is to be a great wife and mom.

• Live every day of your life embracing headship (familial accountability). Young man, you are under the authority and headship of your parents and family. College can't be viewed as years of free agency. They're not. Wise parenting is needed here. The wise parent finds a way to keep handing over more and more responsibility and the wise student freely embraces the ways of the family. So if son or daughter lives far away (military or school) they still view themselves as a "Smith," or "Davis"--and act in accordance with their head. They impose family rules on themselves because they are still under that father/mother until they establish their own home.

• Embrace the local church. If there is a "home away from home," it's a Christ-centered, Bible-saturated, God-adoring fellowship of believers. If you do move on to a military or school experience that is geographically separated from your family, get involved in this family of believers! Commit to serving. And no, (I say this in love) college ministries that meet on campus on some week night do not "count" for church attendance! You need to be serving (and not everyone sings or does Power Point). You need little old ladies coming up to you on Sunday mornings and telling you that you need more sleep because "you look terrible." You need to be surrounded by other solid families.

So some inventions need to be traded in. "Young adulthood" may be one of them. Just a thought.

Natural and Supernatural

Everyone of us wants to be someone's Superman. From the moment we figure out how to ride a bicycle with one hand (or climb a tree or do a penny-drop off the monkey bars) we have been calling out, "look at me, look at me." We said it to anyone who would listen, but we saved our loudest shouts for attention for our parents; "Look at me, Dad." The truth is, many of us live our whole lives with that particular phrase still calling out of our subconscious.

And then we have a family and every eye is on us at all times. What will dad do? How will he act? How will he react? How well does he support the family? Can I spend any time with him? Does he live by what he says he believes? And the dream has finally come true. Someone is watching--all the time. They are "looking at me."

As a man transforming I am trying to keep several things in mind as they watch. Here's a couple of the highlights:

• They care more about what I am doing when I DON'T ask them to watch me. When we were kids we would get the stunt ready and then ask for people to watch. But my wife rightfully cares a lot more about what I do and how I live in between stunts.
• If I am not transforming they will not be transformed. In other words, if it's all about talk, nobody will change. They need to SEE the change in ME before they understand what change is all about.
• The most supernatural powers are in my everyday character (as Jesus shines through). Who cares if I can provide a good living if I can't play with my kids? Who cares if I enter some Hall of Fame if my kids never really knew me. Who cares if I affect change at the corporate level if I wasn't patient with my wife? Nobody. But everybody important to me is watching. (In 1 Corinthians 13, Scripture says (paraphrased) who cares if you can move a mountain (like Superman)? What people really need is for you to move a mountain WITH LOVE. Then you have something.)
  

It's ironic to me that many homes are broken or hurting because all eyes are finally on the boy wonder (sorry, I didn't mean to change metaphors). As all eyes are on superman between stunts pressure mounts. Then some go looking to be superman for someone who is not looking so closely. Some come to the conclusion that they can be someone's saver if others just don't expect too much and don't look too closely. Maybe that's why Superman was always making a getaway after the save.

I want to invite the people closest to me to examine me more closely and know me better.

So one of my goals for this summer is to focus on my own submission to God in the area of my character. I want to talk less and listen more. I want to think less of my own needs and really think about the needs of my wife and kids and neighbors. I want to make time for celebrations of others--not just myself.

If I give less and less of my own attempts to impress this world, maybe this man transforming will be somebody's superman.

All of this poetry, of course, hinges on the one thing: the one and only Savior truly living in me to make me a man transformed.