What did he say?

I remember distinctly as a kid having particular anxiety when it was time to listen to instructions from adults. It could be anything. In shop class, the instructor could talk 'till he was blue in the face (I usually made him red) about perpendicular cuts and the like, but I didn't get it verbally at all. I went to a youth group where we played made up (and fun) games that always had to be explained in depth. The guy would be explaining the rules and gist of the game, but he always lost me just after, "Okay, listen up." And worst of all? Football practice. A coach, taking a fun game that I had played all my life and reducing it to complete embarrassment while he described my job to me in front of the whole team, and then yelled at me when I didn't do it right (in front of the whole team). I really didn't get verbal instructions.

But then the action began. I watched the kid next to me begin to make his sheet-metal pin-wheel and all the instructions began to make sense. The teacher came over and showed me HOW to do what he said. I made a really cool pin-wheel. And those made-up games? After I played about 5 minutes of the actual game (usually asking questions of the kids around me--apparently not everyone was as dense as I), I got it. I even had fun.

I discovered that I am a VISUAL learner. (It's weird, then, that my Master's degree is in the very conceptual and non-visual field of theology.)

Oh, and God did this, too. First he said it (verbal instructions). Though He was clear, it was evident that most people didn't get it (exhibit A: Simon Peter). So (this was His plan from the beginning), He showed up Himself and "paced" with us ("the Word became flesh and dwelt among us"). He wasn't, of course, just an example, but while He accomplished the Father's will and accomplished all that He came to do, He is the perfect example (Pacer)!

Anyway, I have since learned that almost all of "this generation" are visual learners. They want to "get with" some "programs," but verbal commands and lectures make it border on the impossible. Some suggestions that I am learning to implement:

• When I instruct my kids, verbal instructions are less than half of the goal. After giving your children verbal instructions the next step is to DO the activity (take out ALL the garbage, clean your room, wash the dishes) WITH them. While you do the jobs alongside them, occasionally make suggestions and show them HOW to improve. I must patiently show them how. In his book, "Shaping the Spiritual Lives of Students," Rick Dunn calls this "pacing" and contrasts it with "telling" our students what to do. I like that! Words are not sufficient; they need my physical example.
• Anxiety in my child's heart about my expectations of them can cause shut-down. It's easier for them to say "I don't know" when asked about why they didn't accomplish a task than to say "I did not understand your instructions and felt anxiety in my heart about your expectations and therefore, didn't try." Often, when they aren't sure what to do, they'll ignore the instructions they heard and do whatever they think is best. This is dangerous. Ultimately, they would rather appear lazy than stupid.
  
• Every kid walks a different pace. I have one kid who needs almost constant pacing and another who does very well when I mostly tell him what to do. I have to be careful to not pace too much with the one who needs it most and neglect the "easy" kid. You know that all of parenting is a tight-rope. It's my goal to reward the verbal kid (easy one) with more pacing, and gradually heighten the expectations of the kid that needs pacing most.
  
• Accountability. Kids do very well when we say we're gonna check the work, show them what our expectations of their work is and then actually check their work. It's a three-fold approach that takes T-I-M-E. So tell them, show them and check them--consistently. Then start over again.
  
• How much is enough? This is the toughest for me, personally. First we must manage the parental relationship (Dad has one set of expectations, and Mom another--this can't be. We have to come to one set of expectations that is biblical and embraced by both Dad and Mom--this takes work and biblical leadership.) How high should my expectations be? I always revert to theology: how much does my heavenly Father expect of me? On the one hand, when I didn't perform (I am guilty of damnable sin), He did all the work completely for me (on the cross He said, "It is finished" in my place). On the other hand, whatever I find to do I am instructed to do "as to the Lord"--with all my strength. I guess what I am saying is that expectations must be firm and certain and managed with grace, not a hammer.

I close this post on expectations with the words God inspired through Paul: "Love covers a multitude of sins." Let this concept guide your relationship and expectations of your student. It is imperative that you and your student begins with love (a commitment to do what's best for the other).

I am amazed that God spoke a Word, revealing to us who He is. Then He went a step further: He showed us Himself "incarnate" (God "enfleshed"!). Now we mimic that pattern with our kids. Tell them, show them, check-up on them, repeat.