us vs them

We insist that our children become one of them. Become a soccer player or a member of the band, or anything through which we feel our student is going to gain a sense of confidence and learn to get along with others. I've even heard this as a stated goal by some: "My child needs socialization."

They do need to learn how to relate to others, play hard for the team and hone their various skills. But socialization? Has our culture produced such a track record of success that we want our children defined by what their peers may produce in them? Not me.

And as they get older their "them-ness" grows. Sports, computers, and the worst "them" of all: dating. And our children's every pull from there on out has to do with their desire to be "them" self. Their hair, their parties, their random speak, their iPods, their computer time, their cell phones and their "freedom."

So we have a world of very talented, very gifted, unbelievably athletic "thems" out there, all disconnected from the usses and connected only with one another. Does anyone else see a problem here?

What's worse is our incessant insistence at creating these thems as early as possible. It used to be that there was only us (the nuclear family). Then (as I've referred to recently) came wars and universities and the like for young singles 18 and older that divided their understanding of who they were. But now we want to get our three year-olds in tee ball, bowling, ballet and water polo as early as we can. Build that self-esteem.

And then, when our kids are 16 ( or is that 7?), parents sit in a support group and ask each other when they lost the dreamy "us" that they always hoped their families would become. Each child does his own thing in his own way on his own time table. And somewhere along the way we killed us.

So here's the point to this little entry: embrace your family "us." Make (Parents have the right and responsibility to make their kids do things. Any refusal of this responsibility is simply saying that we would rather let the culture and their teammates and teachers force them into their mold rather than being responsible to force them into a mold that we believe is best. If you abdicate this role you are, by definition, a hypocrite.) your kids identify themselves as "us" as long as humanly possible. Cultivate family memorials, traditions and inside stories. Rehearse your history. Tell the stories. When your student gets too old for this, help the whole family continue to embrace their becoming (sometimes). Do everything in your power to limit non-essentials that add to a sense of "them"ness in your student.

You cannot make your child stay a child forever--and I know you don't want to. And building the above sense of "us" will eventually take most or all of your resources. We all eventually want to send our children out into the world to impact it for Christ, so I'm not saying "shelter," at least not in an unhealthy way. I'm saying to teach your child that their identity is appropriately (and in a sense permanently) linked to who they are as your kid. It will REALLY help them later when they are trying to identify themselves as God's kids, if they haven't done so already. Peculiarity? Sacrifice? Denying myself? Doing what's best for my little sister? Ya. That's right. It's all transferable to the concept of following Christ.

So USE the idea of "us vs them" to your advantage. Keep your kids an "us" and find every way you can to break down their idea of them-ness. Swim upstream.

New invention: I lost my head

The family is the building block of all sane and decent civilization. Because of decent relationships in families girls and young ladies are protected and boys and young men learn to work, learn to serve others and learn to respect those young ladies. It's a beautiful thing when it operates like this.

And we know that this is God's plan for the family. He said as much in Genesis 2 when he said (about a man who had no parents) that the only reason any man would "leave" his father and mother would be that he himself was establishing a new family--one in which he was responsible to take care of (protect) one woman--namely, his wife. So it seems obvious, doesn't it? People are designed of God to live in tight relationships with their families. They live under the headship of their parents until such time that they are ready to establish their own homes. They are accountable to parents until they are accountable as parents (or at least mates).

(Obviously many are called to singleness. It seems in that case that we remain accountable to our parents for a longer period of time, and/or we also rely more heavily on the local church for relational accountability in that case.)

In steps WWI and the last 9o years of US history. Not only have we accepted the idea that young men must sometimes be disconnected from their own heads (in war, etc.), but then we embraced that as a value and actually force them out of that accountability relationship. Now we tell them that when the government views them as a free agent (18 years old), we do too. So "Go," we tell them. And they do.

We used to think that handling our responsibilities with care and in accountable relationships brought great freedom and a deep sense of accomplishment. Now we think that if we give them enough personal freedom that they will eventually become responsible.

It was a bad enough mistake with our boys. But how any dad or mom can think about giving their girls the above kinds of headlessness is completely beyond me. Case in point: The College Years.

I tell all the students I know that the college years are an invented forest that is dark and deadly. We beg you to disconnect from your parents, connect with your peers (we call this healthy socialization) and then be taught by some of the most questionable academics on the face of the earth. And it's not just accepted anymore. We thrust this twisted "rite of passage" on almost every young adult, even our girls.

So here's my bullet list of thoughts on this topic:

• I value the home even OVER education. Sure you can sometimes do both (I have a Master's degree). But every chance I get I tell anyone who will listen that the greatest goal a young woman can have in her life is to become a wife and mother.

• If becoming a wife and mother is your goal, keep a close eye on your debt load. Why go $20-$70K in debt for "education" if your goal is to be a great wife and mom.

• Live every day of your life embracing headship (familial accountability). Young man, you are under the authority and headship of your parents and family. College can't be viewed as years of free agency. They're not. Wise parenting is needed here. The wise parent finds a way to keep handing over more and more responsibility and the wise student freely embraces the ways of the family. So if son or daughter lives far away (military or school) they still view themselves as a "Smith," or "Davis"--and act in accordance with their head. They impose family rules on themselves because they are still under that father/mother until they establish their own home.

• Embrace the local church. If there is a "home away from home," it's a Christ-centered, Bible-saturated, God-adoring fellowship of believers. If you do move on to a military or school experience that is geographically separated from your family, get involved in this family of believers! Commit to serving. And no, (I say this in love) college ministries that meet on campus on some week night do not "count" for church attendance! You need to be serving (and not everyone sings or does Power Point). You need little old ladies coming up to you on Sunday mornings and telling you that you need more sleep because "you look terrible." You need to be surrounded by other solid families.

So some inventions need to be traded in. "Young adulthood" may be one of them. Just a thought.