us vs them

We insist that our children become one of them. Become a soccer player or a member of the band, or anything through which we feel our student is going to gain a sense of confidence and learn to get along with others. I've even heard this as a stated goal by some: "My child needs socialization."

They do need to learn how to relate to others, play hard for the team and hone their various skills. But socialization? Has our culture produced such a track record of success that we want our children defined by what their peers may produce in them? Not me.

And as they get older their "them-ness" grows. Sports, computers, and the worst "them" of all: dating. And our children's every pull from there on out has to do with their desire to be "them" self. Their hair, their parties, their random speak, their iPods, their computer time, their cell phones and their "freedom."

So we have a world of very talented, very gifted, unbelievably athletic "thems" out there, all disconnected from the usses and connected only with one another. Does anyone else see a problem here?

What's worse is our incessant insistence at creating these thems as early as possible. It used to be that there was only us (the nuclear family). Then (as I've referred to recently) came wars and universities and the like for young singles 18 and older that divided their understanding of who they were. But now we want to get our three year-olds in tee ball, bowling, ballet and water polo as early as we can. Build that self-esteem.

And then, when our kids are 16 ( or is that 7?), parents sit in a support group and ask each other when they lost the dreamy "us" that they always hoped their families would become. Each child does his own thing in his own way on his own time table. And somewhere along the way we killed us.

So here's the point to this little entry: embrace your family "us." Make (Parents have the right and responsibility to make their kids do things. Any refusal of this responsibility is simply saying that we would rather let the culture and their teammates and teachers force them into their mold rather than being responsible to force them into a mold that we believe is best. If you abdicate this role you are, by definition, a hypocrite.) your kids identify themselves as "us" as long as humanly possible. Cultivate family memorials, traditions and inside stories. Rehearse your history. Tell the stories. When your student gets too old for this, help the whole family continue to embrace their becoming (sometimes). Do everything in your power to limit non-essentials that add to a sense of "them"ness in your student.

You cannot make your child stay a child forever--and I know you don't want to. And building the above sense of "us" will eventually take most or all of your resources. We all eventually want to send our children out into the world to impact it for Christ, so I'm not saying "shelter," at least not in an unhealthy way. I'm saying to teach your child that their identity is appropriately (and in a sense permanently) linked to who they are as your kid. It will REALLY help them later when they are trying to identify themselves as God's kids, if they haven't done so already. Peculiarity? Sacrifice? Denying myself? Doing what's best for my little sister? Ya. That's right. It's all transferable to the concept of following Christ.

So USE the idea of "us vs them" to your advantage. Keep your kids an "us" and find every way you can to break down their idea of them-ness. Swim upstream.