2009: Be My Valentine

Okay, so this pretty personal, I guess. This is more or less an open letter to my wife. Read on if you dare.

I see Valentine's Day has come and gone for 2009. Valentines Day began with you and I having a cup of coffee together and considering the demands of day two of the "Sweetheart Banquet" at church. We went out together as a whole family to re-load your supplies for the evening banquet. From noon on you prepared at church while the boys and I took care of some picture developing and then went home. I returned to church around 4:00. Then you and I stayed at church until 9:45 together. You basically spent the whole day (from 11:30 a.m. to 10:00 p.m.) ministering to other people's marriages and providing an opportunity to share the Gospel with many couples (by the way, a whole team of people also did this with Nikki--thanks everyone!).

As I encouraged everyone else to honor their Valentine, the reality is that I didn't do ANYTHING on that day to honor you.

For a while, I made the argument that everyday is Valentine's Day in our relationship. I know I'm really short-sighted to say that. Now that I see it in print it's somewhat embarrassing that it even crossed my mind. Sorry.

You are my everything in this world. God has used you to strengthen me, to challenge me and to truly spur me on to a greater love for Him and greater works in this world. You provide for me friendship, love, knowing that no matter how celebrated or misunderstood I feel in this world that you'll be there at the end of the day to share it all with me. You are an ever-present reminder and expression of God's grace to me. To throw out wordy expressions of love seems somewhat trite and insufficient. You are me--and there truly is no me without you.

You know. I love you.

The first steps for a husband who wants to lead

"Okay," you say, "I'm a man who wants to embrace the God-given role to lead my family. Now, what's the first step?" I bet I've been asked that question at least 200 hundred times in the past decade. I love answering it.

Christ compared a man's love for his own wife to the love the Christ has for the church--He gave himself up for "her." And then he goes on to speak of the unity that comes in the church through Christ's love as a mystery (something previously not known, but now revealed). That's where you and I should start.

Your neighbor and mine desperately needs to see selfless love in action. Your children need to see it all the more, and not just once, but as a pattern throughout your life. My children need to live close to this physical expression of a divine reality as well. Before you were married to your wife, this opportunity to physically show the world what it looks like for a man to give his life away for his wife did not exist. But now, since you covenanted to give and live your life for your wife, this is a mysterious possibility. The neighbors and your children can look no further than you for a faint echo of how much Christ loves his church.

So what's the first step? That's like saying, "make this mystery plain." It's similar to saying, "make sense of the cross for me: it's beauty, it's worth, it's shame and it's power." There is not one "first step" that is the same for every man. There are some generalities, though. I will try to be specifically general.

• Do NOT first try to lead your wife. Instead, first resolve that you are following Christ. If we set out to assert our leading you and I will offer too much of ourselves--and worse yet, ourselves in reaction to what we THINK are the needs of our wives. That's a bad plan. She doesn't need more of the person that she wants you to be, she needs more of Jesus Christ being lived out through you. Therefore, in all areas, and through frustration, doubt and confusion, seek Christ in prayer and by His Word. Search the Scriptures. Allow Scriptures to shape your thinking and direction. Listen to your wife's counsel. The hardest part of leading is that we are NOT going to be held accountable for our wives' day-to-day happiness (contentment). We are going to be held accountable for how well we led them toward holiness. Therefore, as an imperfect person (with our own desires), our call is to listen to our wives' desires (which are also imperfect) and compare BOTH her desires and one's own wisely to Scripture. So we should not set out to do something so earthly as to simply assert authority over our own wives (we can do that sinfully), instead, we ought to do something heavenly, such as giving our wife less of ourselves, and more of Christ who is alive in us. As Wayne Watson has said, she doesn't need more of you, she needs less of you. She needs more of Christ in me. At every crossroads you face, your wife will be greatly blessed if she lives with a man who consistently and eagerly chooses to follow Christ. That's a lead she will follow when she is certain you are doing it consistently. This entire concept is based on Genesis 2. Adam followed God before Eve even existed. Men, if your wife didn't exist--how would you be living? Would Christ be central??

• Find your maturity in gladly working VERY hard. A man must work "as unto the Lord." Hard work was created by God for man to take delight in both before the Fall and before the creation of woman (Genesis 2). I realize that God puts some of us through unemployment, infirmaries and even disabilities sometimes. However, every woman will find it extremely difficult (though not impossible) to be led by a man who refuses to work hard and gladly. Here are some practical questions: "Do you delight in the hard work that God has provided for you?" "Do you persevere in carrying it out?" "Are you convinced that you are completing a job that is building the Kingdom?" "Do you see how God has gifted you and are you employing that gift in the building up of others?" This concept is not designed to be focused only on your "occupation," it should also embrace where you serve in the local church. Again, Adam understood that his work was not first and foremost the way in which he provided for his family--God provided for his every need. his work was first and foremost an act of worship (obedience) to the Lord. Men, this is our call as leaders. Let nothing (not excuses, or people who are hard to work with; not even physical or emotional difficulties) halt our glad commitment to work. (Of course, there exist situations where work and/or service must change. If that is the case the Lord will provide another way to work gladly.) Again, if your wife did not exist, how would you be working? Would Christ be central?

• Learn to separate "truth vs. error" situations from "good, better and best." One of the confusing situations we find ourselves in today is a man who has made preferences into principles, and has allowed principles to become preferences. Has this occurred with you? In some respects it has occurred with me. I know some guys whose children are extremely clear regarding which brand of vehicle he prefers ("Ford is better than Chevy," he says), but are unclear regarding his conviction to tell them the truth (he says one thing, but does another). I know others whose children know that his favorite cola is "Coke," but who listen as he calls in sick to work. When my wife sees this immature behavior she is not going to be compelled to trust me more or to bring me her precious heart. She's going to look elsewhere for support and help. You and I need a bit more substance to our passions than Major League Baseball (that one hurts, it's my favorite!), and NASCAR. I have cast confusion on my wife when a preference has become non-negotiable, but a principle is negotiated.

• And finally, balance. Your children need the safety and helps that comes from a dad and a mom. This is the difficulty of any single parent. It is sometimes wise for you to listen to and employ the opinions of your wife, and it is sometimes necessary for you to disagree and help her with your input. For instance, your son wants to play football; he comes to you and your wife and asks to play--and you want him to play, too. Your wife thinks it's too dangerous. What will you do? It's not wise to simply cast aside your wife's feelings. Neither is it wise to go to your son and tell him that you'd really like him to be able to play, "but mom is worried that he might get hurt." I'm sure you see the anger he would cultivate toward mom in that situation. Whatever decision is ultimately made, it must be supported by both dad and mom. A young man who is held out of lots of opportunities because of his mom's objections will ultimately resent his Dad, not his mom. You may rightly come to any number of decisions about football participation, but it must be a decision in which you lead, fathers. Your wife will experience much happier (hopefully because they are growing 'holier') children if you balance her.

It would be easier to allow a wife to make all these choices while we sit by after a hard day at work and eat popcorn in front of the TV. But there's no "mystery" there, is there? No. I believe all of the above ideas are found in this one phrase:

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

Turning 16

I remember turning 16 like it was yesterday. One of the great desires of every boy is the freedom and responsibility of finally getting behind the wheel and having the privilege of being able to take yourself anywhere your heart desires (as long as you have permission from dad and mom). When you're 13 it's still a dream, when you're 14 the day will never come, when you're 15 it's around the next corner, but that corner is elusive. And then it happens. I don't remember what I got as a gift that year, what we ate for supper or even if I had a party. I remember the driver's test, getting my picture taken and then finally holding the license in my hand. (Much to my mom's chagrin I also remember taking my motorcycle's learning permit test that day, but that's probably irrelevant here.) I was free!

Today I celebrate a better and more profound 16 years. I've been married to my best friend for 16 years. I wonder if I've grown to be the more responsible and skilled person that she needs over those years. My memories of those first 16 years of life (leading up to driving) are spotty. I wasn't aware of all the self-centeredness and immaturity that needed to be overcome so I was ready to drive a car responsibly. But over these last 16 years I am painfully aware of my self-centeredness and immaturity. I can rehearse many situations and conversations that reveal my real and selfish heart. Sometimes I wish I could forget. But the memory won't permit.

I will state a favorite lesson (without the use of bullets): loving Nikki is real freedom and responsibility. When a man loves a woman there is a fence and a fire that provides him real freedom for the first time. A fence which protects their home and hearts; and a fire that warms it. A fence protects as a man defines what he will and will not choose--he has made his choice and therefore all other choices are outside the bounds of the fence. A fire warms and makes him run to the hearth from the cold--it's his passion to fuel the fire.

That spoken promise which is 16 today really is coming of age. My word has defined me and provides a fence for protection and a fire for passion. I love the growing maturity, indeed the adulthood of my love for Nikki.

I know that I am confusing all my metaphors (driver's licenses, fences, fires). The consistent picture is maturity.

I am reminded that I needed more tending and made bigger decisions about my future at 17 and 18 then at 16. As I matured, I needed more tending and relationship, not less (and so does your teen aged student!) (and so does your wife!!). That's the beauty of the next 50 years. To tend my love for Nikki closely is to enjoy it's maturity, to embrace the wholeness and contentment that comes because of established fences and fires.

Nikki, I love you. I will keep tending the fences. I will continually stoke the fire.

Happy Anniversary!

Wife's Day

A day for my wife. It sounds good. Everyone gets up to make the day special. Breakfast in bed and homemade cards. A gift that is meaningful. Ahhh.

But I got up 30 minutes later than I wanted to. I basically hadn't seen the boys for over two days (That's actually an excuse. I had 45 minutes with them on Saturday which I did not use wisely.). I got the two paper route boys up late, and it was their first Sunday paper delivery without dad. The potatoes burned, the eggs dried out while the bacon schnibbles were frying (it felt like we were eating bacon bits) and the toast had been popped up for about 25 minutes before anyone ate it. I went upstairs to awaken Nikki for her feast, but because of bad timing we had to eat without the two oldest boys (still on the paper route). I hadn't reminded the boys enough to make their cards (only 6 times), so only the youngest had his card ready (including me!).

At least the grape juice was good (but grape juice is not exactly her favorite).

Sigh. We did get her one sweet shirt that I think she really liked.

The rest of her day will be devoted to doing what she always does: consider the needs of everyone else. Let's get to the restaurant to honor her grandma and mom (and she loves to do that!). Let's not forget my mom (and she loves her like her own!). And such is the plight of this young mom. She's the one who honors others with thoughtfulness and time. She is honored only by a house full of guys--in their procrastinating "guy" ways.

So it's here that I tell the world that I need to keep getting better at this. To make her a meal that she loves. To make sure her table is full of all of us when it's time to eat. To make sure that the cards are PLANNED ahead of time. To make sure that she knows that we love her.

At least the coffee was good.

To my sweet woman, this man trasformed (transforming) says: I am not what I once was, but I am not yet who I will be. I am committed to becoming more Christlike. To think less of me and more of you. I long to love you with a better love that is dependent on more of him and less of me.

To you men out there: don't accept the status quo. Don't believe that you cannot change. Don't stop striving for less of you and more of Jesus Christ. Even if it seems you have miles to go. I'm right behind you.

Happy Mother's Day 2007!