The first steps for a husband who wants to lead

"Okay," you say, "I'm a man who wants to embrace the God-given role to lead my family. Now, what's the first step?" I bet I've been asked that question at least 200 hundred times in the past decade. I love answering it.

Christ compared a man's love for his own wife to the love the Christ has for the church--He gave himself up for "her." And then he goes on to speak of the unity that comes in the church through Christ's love as a mystery (something previously not known, but now revealed). That's where you and I should start.

Your neighbor and mine desperately needs to see selfless love in action. Your children need to see it all the more, and not just once, but as a pattern throughout your life. My children need to live close to this physical expression of a divine reality as well. Before you were married to your wife, this opportunity to physically show the world what it looks like for a man to give his life away for his wife did not exist. But now, since you covenanted to give and live your life for your wife, this is a mysterious possibility. The neighbors and your children can look no further than you for a faint echo of how much Christ loves his church.

So what's the first step? That's like saying, "make this mystery plain." It's similar to saying, "make sense of the cross for me: it's beauty, it's worth, it's shame and it's power." There is not one "first step" that is the same for every man. There are some generalities, though. I will try to be specifically general.

• Do NOT first try to lead your wife. Instead, first resolve that you are following Christ. If we set out to assert our leading you and I will offer too much of ourselves--and worse yet, ourselves in reaction to what we THINK are the needs of our wives. That's a bad plan. She doesn't need more of the person that she wants you to be, she needs more of Jesus Christ being lived out through you. Therefore, in all areas, and through frustration, doubt and confusion, seek Christ in prayer and by His Word. Search the Scriptures. Allow Scriptures to shape your thinking and direction. Listen to your wife's counsel. The hardest part of leading is that we are NOT going to be held accountable for our wives' day-to-day happiness (contentment). We are going to be held accountable for how well we led them toward holiness. Therefore, as an imperfect person (with our own desires), our call is to listen to our wives' desires (which are also imperfect) and compare BOTH her desires and one's own wisely to Scripture. So we should not set out to do something so earthly as to simply assert authority over our own wives (we can do that sinfully), instead, we ought to do something heavenly, such as giving our wife less of ourselves, and more of Christ who is alive in us. As Wayne Watson has said, she doesn't need more of you, she needs less of you. She needs more of Christ in me. At every crossroads you face, your wife will be greatly blessed if she lives with a man who consistently and eagerly chooses to follow Christ. That's a lead she will follow when she is certain you are doing it consistently. This entire concept is based on Genesis 2. Adam followed God before Eve even existed. Men, if your wife didn't exist--how would you be living? Would Christ be central??

• Find your maturity in gladly working VERY hard. A man must work "as unto the Lord." Hard work was created by God for man to take delight in both before the Fall and before the creation of woman (Genesis 2). I realize that God puts some of us through unemployment, infirmaries and even disabilities sometimes. However, every woman will find it extremely difficult (though not impossible) to be led by a man who refuses to work hard and gladly. Here are some practical questions: "Do you delight in the hard work that God has provided for you?" "Do you persevere in carrying it out?" "Are you convinced that you are completing a job that is building the Kingdom?" "Do you see how God has gifted you and are you employing that gift in the building up of others?" This concept is not designed to be focused only on your "occupation," it should also embrace where you serve in the local church. Again, Adam understood that his work was not first and foremost the way in which he provided for his family--God provided for his every need. his work was first and foremost an act of worship (obedience) to the Lord. Men, this is our call as leaders. Let nothing (not excuses, or people who are hard to work with; not even physical or emotional difficulties) halt our glad commitment to work. (Of course, there exist situations where work and/or service must change. If that is the case the Lord will provide another way to work gladly.) Again, if your wife did not exist, how would you be working? Would Christ be central?

• Learn to separate "truth vs. error" situations from "good, better and best." One of the confusing situations we find ourselves in today is a man who has made preferences into principles, and has allowed principles to become preferences. Has this occurred with you? In some respects it has occurred with me. I know some guys whose children are extremely clear regarding which brand of vehicle he prefers ("Ford is better than Chevy," he says), but are unclear regarding his conviction to tell them the truth (he says one thing, but does another). I know others whose children know that his favorite cola is "Coke," but who listen as he calls in sick to work. When my wife sees this immature behavior she is not going to be compelled to trust me more or to bring me her precious heart. She's going to look elsewhere for support and help. You and I need a bit more substance to our passions than Major League Baseball (that one hurts, it's my favorite!), and NASCAR. I have cast confusion on my wife when a preference has become non-negotiable, but a principle is negotiated.

• And finally, balance. Your children need the safety and helps that comes from a dad and a mom. This is the difficulty of any single parent. It is sometimes wise for you to listen to and employ the opinions of your wife, and it is sometimes necessary for you to disagree and help her with your input. For instance, your son wants to play football; he comes to you and your wife and asks to play--and you want him to play, too. Your wife thinks it's too dangerous. What will you do? It's not wise to simply cast aside your wife's feelings. Neither is it wise to go to your son and tell him that you'd really like him to be able to play, "but mom is worried that he might get hurt." I'm sure you see the anger he would cultivate toward mom in that situation. Whatever decision is ultimately made, it must be supported by both dad and mom. A young man who is held out of lots of opportunities because of his mom's objections will ultimately resent his Dad, not his mom. You may rightly come to any number of decisions about football participation, but it must be a decision in which you lead, fathers. Your wife will experience much happier (hopefully because they are growing 'holier') children if you balance her.

It would be easier to allow a wife to make all these choices while we sit by after a hard day at work and eat popcorn in front of the TV. But there's no "mystery" there, is there? No. I believe all of the above ideas are found in this one phrase:

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."