When a child should be given independence

Never.

That's the easiest answer, and most helpful. Sometime ago someone convinced us that the goal of parenting is independence, didn't they? They were wrong.

I know, we live in a world of independence. "I can do it myself," comes out of their mouths when they are 2. "We don't want help." So, again and again we hand over opportunities for independence. Children are more self-sufficient (read: ISOLATED) and more independent (read: UNSUPERVISED) than ever before. We give them their sleepovers (at their demand), drop them off a block before the mall or movie theatre, and try to get their best talent on display somewhere (the stage, the field, the newspaper) as soon as possible.

But the real world, the one we want to get them ready for has very little to do with individual performances (unless they live in Hollywood). The real world is a world of real and deepening interdependent relationships. These relationships challenge us (they even irritate us sometimes), spur us on, lift us up, and provide the friction we need for forward traction. One of the most significant aspects of the church is FAMILY, but we raise our kids to avoid this real world (and, therefore, to avoid the natural accountability that should be a part of "church").

And by the way, one of the reasons for the brevity of friendships (and marriages) in this world is a sea full of kids who have become so independent that they refuse to be interdependent throughout their entire lives.

And by the way again, I absolutely despise the concept in modern psychology of "co-dependent." I know what the term is trying to convey, and we can hang on too tightly to the wrong relationships, but I think this term is an abuse of the word, "dependent." When did the fact of dependence (we depend on air, someone choosing to become a garbage collector and gasoline to be available for our cars, for example) become evil?

So our goal is not independence, but maturity. Not just direction and decisiveness, but meekness. Not only certainty, but humility. And it's this maturity that gives them the ABILITY to embrace dependence (to really love people).

So (as you know), our kids will not learn what we TELL them, but what we MODEL. I am called to examine my own sense of interdependence, humility and meekness. Do I avoid relationships that challenge me? Do I resist leading in humility? Is my life characterized by a long series of brief (and ever-ending) friendships? Or am I in it for the long haul? Dependent.

There is no such thing as independence if we are committing ourselves to follow Jesus Christ. There is such a thing as maturity, and we should strive for it so our children can see what it "looks like" in real life.