Training our daughters

I came across this article by Dennis Rainey recently, and thought enough of his writing to post some of it here. You can read his whole article here. This is the second and final part of an article that combines the idea that we must protect our sons from aggressive girls and similarly train our daughters to be biblically feminine. Again, enjoy!

Training your daughters

If you are raising a daughter, there are at least four things you should consider:

1) Equip your daughter with a biblical, healthy, God-centered perspective of her sexuality. She needs to understand how her clothes and her behavior affect boys. When girls are too flirty or too friendly with the opposite sex, they need to be told. If you witness this kind of behavior, rehearse it and relive it later on and talk about what it does to guys. Explain what is appropriate in terms of a friendly relationship between a young lady and a young man. This needs to be done without being rude, but we cannot let our daughters get away with being overly friendly or overly aggressive.

2) Moms, model what you teach to your daughters. You need to dress appropriately, the way you would want your teenage daughters to dress when they’ve matured. There is a mixed signal that is sent when a mom is telling her daughter to dress conservatively, but her own clothes call too much attention to her body.

3) Dads, actively love your daughters. Give your daughter words of affection, warm hugs, and gentle kisses that let her know that she’s sweet, you’re her daddy, and that no matter how big she gets and how mature she is, you’re never going to stop giving her those words and those hugs. No matter how threatening that may be as your daughter matures, you need to let her know that there’s a wholesome love through words and affection that occurs within a God-centered family.

4) Appropriately correct inappropriate behavior. Pray about how you should instruct her, help her, and correct her. Then begin to train her as to what is appropriate and what isn’t. This could be everything from how she looks at guys to the makeup she wears to the clothing she wears.

One of the most important things I did with our daughters was to go shopping with them. It was important for two reasons: It showed me how difficult it was for them to find appropriate clothing that is modest and fashionable; and secondly, it allowed me to give my approval or disapproval before the purchase was made.

Whether you’re a mom or dad, and whether you’re raising boys or girls, your children need your love and guidance as never before. They need to be loved when they don’t believe in themselves. They need to be clothed in wisdom that morally protects them like armor.

Dances and Proms--what's a dad to do?

Think back to your high school days. Remember those moments leading up to the dances? The planning, the anticipation, and the awkward moments when you actually danced. I don't know whether to try to forget, to completely ignore or simply to destroy any evidence of those days.

Truth is, I only attended a couple of dances in my high school days. Both were completely against my parents' wishes (one of them was even behind my parents' backs) and were ultimately negative experiences for me. The whole idea of a high school dance is now objectionable to me.

But when working with high school students and their parents for a "living," one must try to distance oneself from personal opinions in an effort to try to understand all the issues. I do try.

Please let it be known that I have come to the following opinions (and they are opinions!) over the course of many years and many conversations with students who attended these dances, and only a few conversations with parents. I have had several friends who are deejays, so some of the following info comes through them as well. Please note that there are very few differences between public school and Christian school dances. One Christian school I know won't hold school dances on their property, but will advertise (and thereby endorse) "parent chaperoned" dances on other people's property. Okay, here goes.

1. I have not talked to any Christ-following student who, after going to a dance, felt that Christ's name was honored as a result of the dance. Never. Not once. The atmosphere is difficult, the music is loud, the lyrics are perverse, the dress is often immodest, and the dancing, which used to be suggestive is now a bumping and grinding free-for-all that several students I have talked to call "sex with your clothes on." One young lady was mortified to learn that some of her friends compared how many boys they thought they brought to release while "dancing" with them.

2. The atmosphere of the dance is not realistic. Adult chaperones feel as if they ought to distance themselves from the students and give them "space." In so doing, what is provided is a peer-led conundrum of feeling our way as they go. Anything goes. Contrary to needing space, the goal of every responsible adult for their students should be to show the way to maturity, not to provide chaperone-less opportunities for all manner of inappropriate behavior.

3. Dancing in close proximity with multiple partners (even writing this makes me feel sick inside) breaks down certain barriers that should not be broken down. Personal space around daughters (and sons) is not something that one wants to encourage one’s student to give up. Not even for a couple of hours.

4. Some Christian students I have spoken to have argued that they want to reach the students at these dances, and that being there affords them the opportunity to show these people that "Christians can have a good time." To these students I often have this brilliant retort: "Huh?" First of all, the dance will yield no spiritual conversations. The music, the sensational moment and the drama makes dances feeding grounds for gossip and criticism, not speaking of Christ. And to the "Christians can have a good time" argument I say this: a Christian's DEFINITION of a good time is completely at odds with this scene. Our question is not "Can a Christian technically get away with going to a dance?" (or "How close to the line can I get before I actually sin?"), but "Why on earth would any Christ-follower define the above melee as 'a good time'?" (or "How far from sin can I flee?"). To put it another way, the definition of a good time will be different for the Christ-follower than for others. Christ following student, “What makes you happy??”

5. "But," (some PARENTS say!!!!!), "aren't we denying our students the fun that we had at dances if we do not allow them to go?" Or, "Isn't this a rite of passage?" To that I would like to respond three ways. First, what fun? As I said above the dances I have attended were not fun, and might be better characterized as humiliating, painful and regretful. Most parents I talk to remember their dances the same way that I do. Second, you may now (as a Christ-follower) be at a better place to make this kind of judgment than your parents were. And third, dances today are nothing like they were when you were young (face it, you and I are old now). For those of you that still think I am coming on way to strong, I have a challenge (I make this challenge with a smile on my face and light-heartedness in my tone; but in all sincerity): go chaperone your student's next dance. If you still think these arguments are weak (and they probably are), I strongly encourage you to go stand along the sidelines of your student's next dance. Listen to the lyrics. Watch the "dancing." Watch the guys and girls along the edges who are rejected. Smell the air (this is a reference to the alcohol you will smell). Please, walk in your student's steps.

In closing, please read here that this post is my own conviction. I do believe that a Christian parent can be convicted before God that their student is motivated to attend a school dance out of love for their classmates and a desire to impact them with Jesus. If you do allow your student to go, let that be your motivation. If this is your conviction, please attend that dance yourself! On the other hand, if you have simply given in on this subject, please gather the information for yourself. I believe you'll be glad you did!

For me? No way. Christians can have a good time. I'm all for that! But the dance? That's not fun; not even a little.